I don’t mean to brag, but I am somewhat of an expert on the rare meteorological occurrence known as the “snownado.” What qualifies me as an expert? Well, let’s just say that I’ve read three blog posts, one urban dictionary definition, and I watch a lot of storm chasers on the Weather Channel during tornado season.
No one really knows about the mystical snownado, but I will do my best to explain to you what it actually is, and how to survive one.
I have provided the above picture to guide you.
Like tornadoes, snownadoes often form from Cumulonimbus incus clouds. They are most commonly known as “Anvil clouds” because of their Acme appearance (see Wile. E. Coyote). If it’s snowing and you see one of these clouds, be cautious. If you see a funnel coming down from the cloud, take cover. Usually, Cold War era fallout shelters are best for this. If you can’t find one of those, grab your dog “Snowto” and try to make it to the storm cellar. A basement will do. You don’t want to be in the path of a snownado; avoid glass windows. Only windows made from diamonds can withstand the force of a snownado.
By now, you may be wondering, “What does a snownado actually do?”
As if the 100mph (161kph) winds aren’t bad enough. The magic force contained within the snownado has been known to make anything in its way experience spontaneous combustion (note the flames in the picture.) If the explosions don’t kill you, there is a chance the lightening will. Remember, a large amount of static electricity is generated within a Acme Anvil Co. Cloud. Arguably, the most dangerous feature of a snownado is its capability of producing Yetis. Yes, that’s right. Yetis. Yetis, Abominable Snowmen, Bumbles, whatever you like to call them. Not many people are certain of the mating patterns of Yetis but that’s because Yetis do not mate. They are produced by the great snownado. After a snownado has been in contact with the Earth for more than a minute, a Yeti will appear. Take heed. While Yetis don’t always eat humans, they will eat your livestock (see picture). They prefer baby animals like piglets, lambs, calves, kids, etc. Kids as in goats not kids as in humans. Woah, don’t worry that much.
In conclusion, snownadoes, while rare, are extremely dangerous. Superintendents of schools should always take them in consideration when determining whether or not to cancel school. Today was a close one. We’re lucky we made it. If I were JVF, I would have sent us home. You wouldn’t want to risk it.
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